Martin, Are You?
by cautiousAlbatross
Summary: Poor Martin is repeatedly interrogated by his colleagues.


"Ah, good morning, Martin," said Douglas, lounging in the captain's seat.

"Not particularly, no," replied Martin, glaring pointedly at his first officer.

"Oh?" said Douglas, lifting his feet up onto the control panel, "Why not?"

"Douglas. You're in my seat."

"Am I? Oh, dear, I hadn't noticed."

"Yes, you had. It's the _captain's_ seat."

"Looks the same as the other to me."  
"Douglas, we fly this aeroplane nearly every day, I think you can tell the difference between my seat and yours."

"I can't say it's ever bothered me."

"Yes, well, you're the first officer. You'd _rather _be in my seat."

"Oh, I don't know about that."

"Yes, Douglas, you do. And take your feet off the controls, you might damage them."

"Don't be ridiculous, Martin, they're fine where they are. I'm comfortable here, and we're not flying for another hour."

"That's no reason for you to be sitting in my seat."

"Do you know, I rather think it is."

"Good morning, chaps," said Arthur, grinning widely as he walked into the flight deck, "What's Douglas doing in the captain's seat?"

"Trying to annoy me," Martin gave Douglas another glare.

"And succeeding," added Douglas, smirking.

"Righto, so, mum says we're leaving in ten minutes."

"What? But we haven't even filed a flight plan yet! We're not supposed to leave for another hour!"

"Yes, but, nevertheless, mum still says we're leaving in ten minutes."

"Then you'll just have to tell Carolyn we can't, and we aren't."

"Um. Right. But... Well, I think you should tell her."

"Fine," said Martin, sighing heavily and making for the door of the flight deck.

"Ah, Martin," Carolyn intercepted him, "And where are you going? As much as it saddens me to admit it, you cannot fly my plane from out here."  
"I can't fly your plane in ten minutes! We're not scheduled to leave for an hour."

"However, you do not decide when we leave. The passenger decides when we leave, unless you plan on hiring us yourself."

"Carolyn, we can't leave."

"You can, you must and you will."

"She's right," said Douglas, "We can be ready in ten minutes, _easily_."

"No, Douglas, we can't."

"Oh, of course we can. Just watch me."

"Post take-off checks complete, Captain."

"Thank you, Douglas."

"Told you I could do it."

"You didn't exactly follow procedure, did you?"

"Who needs procedure?"

"Douglas, the procedures are there for a reason. You know that."

"Are they? I never really thought they were that important."

Martin sighed heavily.

"All right, all right, your procedures are important. Happy?"

"No," Martin pouted sulkily.

"Fine, then," Douglas let the silence stretch on for a moment before asking, "How's the love life?"

"Non-existent, thank you very much."

"Oh, that's a shame. Still not met a nice girl, then?"

"Obviously not."

"Or boy?"

"Douglas! I'm not... I don't... I mean, not that there's anything _wrong_... Just that I'm not-"

"Not what?"

"You know," Martin looked around furtively before hissing, "_Gay_."

"Sure about that? You know, I've got this nephew, he'd be about your age-"

"No, Douglas, absolutely not."

"Fine, then."

"How's _your _love life, then?"

"Oh, all right. Not particularly eventful."

"More eventful than mine, no doubt."

"Just a bit, yes."

"It would be, wouldn't it?"

"Well, you know me."

"Yes, I do."

Martin sighed heavily, then stood up.

"And where are you off to?"

"I'm going to the toilet," he grumbled, "I am allowed to, aren't I?"

"By all means. Have fun."

"_Really,_ Douglas?"

"Fine, then, don't. It's all the same to me."

"Hello, Skip! Where are you going, then?"

"To the toilet, where else?"

"Oh, I don't know, you could be going loads of places!"

"On a flying aeroplane?"

"Well, there's still the galley and the cabin and-"

"Yes, Arthur, I get it."

"Right, so..."

"What is it, Arthur?"

"Well, I was just wondering... Well, the thing is, my girlfriend just broke up with me and, well, that seems to be happening a lot, so I thought maybe you could give me some advice."

"Really, Arthur? _Me_? I haven't had a girlfriend in... Oh, god, I don't even want to think about it."

"Really, Skip? You still don't have a girlfriend?"

"Yes, so what? There's nothing wrong with that."

"No, of course no- _Ohhh._"

"What? What are you _ohhh_-ing about?"

"Well, that explains everything!"

"What explains everything? What is it?"

"Do you have a boyfriend, then, Skip?"

"Wha- _No,_ Arthur, I don't."

"Oh, that's a shame."

"No, Arthur, it's not. I'm _not _gay. I'm not!"

"All right, then," Arthur grinned cheerfully, "Just thought you might be."

"Yes, well, I'm not. Now, _if you don't mind_, I have to go to the toilet."

"Righto, Skip."

"Martin, what are you doing back here?"

"Avoiding Douglas and Arthur."  
"You can't avoid Douglas, you're both flying my plane!"

"I can try to."

"Right, why are you avoiding them?"

"They keep questioning me about my love life."

"Oh, the horror. Do please grow up, Martin."

"They keep on asking me if I'm gay!"

"What, you mean...?"

"No, they're not interested! And no, actually, I'm not!"

"You know, I always wondered..."

"Not you too," Martin groaned, "For the last time, I am _not _gay."

"All right, then. Now go back to the flight deck."

"But, Carolyn..."

"No buts. Go."

"Don't say anything."

"I wasn't going to, Captain."

"Good, then don't."

"All right, I won't."

"Good."

Douglas let the silence stretch out for a few minutes.

"So you're absolutely sure...?"

"_Yes,_ I'm sure."

"All right, all right. Absolutely...?"

"Douglas. I am certain. I am absolutely not."

"Fair enough, I'm sure. Still, though... You never know."


End file.
